well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
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