Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Let's discuss options later this evening. I'll draw out said options and compare and contrast the "accessibility" of the costume for quickies. Because you never know. Halloween is full of surprises. I'll also compare practicality, level of skank, and creative features.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize