the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
ugly people sure do ruin things
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
Randomize
