when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
