She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Randomize
