my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Randomize
