My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Randomize
