Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
