Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
