I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
i will never coherently bang her
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Randomize
