I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
