i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
