Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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