Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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