I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Randomize
