so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
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