turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
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