I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
