Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
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