Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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