HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
he laminated a picture of his dick.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Randomize
