I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
you told grandpa to call you daddy
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Randomize
