I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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