By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Randomize
