i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
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