you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
