I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
