Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
is it normal that we went to that class once and both got 100's on the final? ohhhh, arizona state.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
