I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
