I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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