jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
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