I just threw up on my dentist
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
Why are your pants in the freezer?
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
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