Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Randomize
