If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
