A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
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