I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
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