I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Randomize
