I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
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