Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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