my mouth tastes like poor choices
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
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