life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
im six kinds of drunk right now
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
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