I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
there is puke in my bra ... again
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