And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
