Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
ok first of all what the fuck
Randomize
