he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
Randomize
