I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
My vagina just clenched in fear
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
