I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
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