im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Randomize