I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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