im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
Randomize
