so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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