I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
