so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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