One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Randomize
