Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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