you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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